Roaring 20s

Hello 2020.

Hope you all had a good 2019. Mine felt like someone held me by the shoulders and jolted me throughout the year while I’m seated on an equally rough and fierce rollercoaster.

Revolutionary.

So much and so many ‘firsts’ and ‘news’ happened I have now stopped counting. I’m not the same person I used to be exactly a year back, I don’t know if that is sad or good. Perhaps the most taxing part throughout this year was, as I was musing the other day to a friend, I met a giant pool of new people in 2019, but none became a friend. A friend, in its literal meaning. A dear one, who listens, cares, calls. Not one person knows me, really knows me. It’s so odd, I wonder if this is how life becomes past a certain age. Umpteen people enter your life and sort of tag along, playing their parts in the periphery of your story and eventually leaving, but none ferry past the layers of formal decorum and touch your core, your insides, your spirit.

I used to be of the understanding that every human being, like me, makes an attempt to understand every human he co-exists around. Not to merely float and loiter until the tasks are done and the need for interaction is no more. Tries to perhaps dig, with sensitive caution, what lies inside every being. How we really are, beneath the mortal layers. Deep in our cores we’re all so sensitive, our hearts are all equally vulnerable to hurt, to rejection, to unkindness. Yet still I see no humanity. I feel no warmth. We’re all so cold, so guarded, so aloof.

Hence, I try my best to forge bonds wherever I feel an invitation from an equally giving spirit. Rest will find their own way, I hope.

I spent my New Years with the person my entire being shines around. I am an intrinsically happy person who likes to indulge in frivolous jokes and laugh till she’s crying. Situations also draped me in an equally quiet and brooding soul, but my spirit likes to jump and cry out of happiness. The burden of carrying these two extremes is a bit too much at times. But yes, I entered 2020 laughing and jumping with my best friend in a different city. I’m so grateful and blessed to have finally made it happen. We both had been yearning it for years.

Then I flew back and all went grey for a while. I felt miserable and lonely. Abandoned.

I was trying to recover from these feelings when one evening my mother calls and tells me my cousin killed himself. I couldn’t feel my insides. Almost half shivering I recalled my last meeting with him exactly two months back in a family wedding. We danced, his 10 month old daughter in his arms, both of us laughing.

My heart clenches thinking how someone can be carrying so much pain and not finding a way to relieve it.

May he be at peace, wherever he is now.

I am not the person I used to be exactly a year back. I’m too afraid of time now. Too scared of what it has in store, good or bad. Lately I feel like a ghost. All my insides are cold, like a blizzard just passed through.

May 2020 give me some warmth. May all the good that occurred this year (it did, really) give hope for more good to come. May goodbyes be lesser. May we find people who stick throughout.

May everyone feel love, may everyone know Peace.

Here’s to officially ending this decade and looking forward to a new one, which certainly promises staggering changes in our life.

Take care of each other, we’re all we have.

Love always,

Your blogger.

5 thoughts on “Roaring 20s

  1. Oh my friend…my heart is heavy reading this. And I could give lots of platitudes about how things will get better, etc, etc. But the truth is sometimes I think we only get days that get better and make the previous rough day, week, month year just ever so slightly better. My world was rocked (for very different reasons) a year and a half ago now and it still affects me. That and non-traumatic, yet still hurtful memories of childhood and my ongoing status as youngest and least successful sibling. Completely eye opening to me. But still we keep going. I wish you nothing but the best for 2020.

    You may walk and you may run
    You leave your footprints all around the sun
    And every time the storm and the soul wars come
    You just keep on walking
    It’s been this way from the start
    Everybody walking round with holes in the heart
    Everybody holding up skies in the dark
    As the stars keep falling

    ‘Year Of The Flood’ by Runrig

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wholeheartedly agree with you. We keep and preserve the good moments to make the bad ones bearable. Don’t ever think you’re not successful. There is no such thing as ‘ideal success.’ You are good where you are, who you are. No one has the eye for beauty like you do and how you somehow manage to capture it too, beautifully and boldly.
      Thank you for the song, so much.
      Loads of luck and love for 2020 for you 🌟

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, and I agree. We cling to those good memories because we need them in this world quite often. Thank you for that comment too. You are right about the perception of success. I know who I am, I know my strengths, I know where my heart lies. Once I gave up writing on here I knew I needed to feed into other creative outlets, like my photography website, and more to come. In fact, I’m hours away from a quick trip to Rome which no doubt will inspire me! Wishing you love and luck for this year as well.

        And thank you again.

        Liked by 1 person

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