A Feeble Attempt at Understanding Growing Up- I

Something occurs just as we reach the brink of adulthood. Not that there’s any defined door to being an adult, but a change, a subtle shift in disposition occurs where a seed of distrust for the world is planted, often from frequent disappointments. The sapling that once bloomed with tenderness and a sense of wonder is often abandoned behind concrete walls freshly built- a repercussion of facing the ‘outside’ world.

And gradually, like moss creeping upon forest grounds and slowly climbing up tree trunks, distrust transforms into malice, upon realisation that the ‘outside’ wouldn’t think twice before smothering us to death. Out of fear of pain our hearts bridle up, our shields held high and walls ever growing.

The circle continues swooping each one in its vicious pull, damaging one human after another. Until all we’re left with are a sea of people carrying the immense burden of their walls with a tiny sapling living inside them.

This sapling carries the power of fostering immense love and kindness, but is too layered (protected?) by fear, anger, jealousy and pretence. It also represents our imagination, our sense of wonder for this world, our love for wild possibilities- all abandoned and replaced with a suffocating idea people call being ‘realistic.’ I dislike this word, not for what it represents, but how people bend and break it into justifying cruelty, hatred and immorality.

Reality in itself is never ugly. It is pure and pristine. It is exactly what you overlook everyday. Your interpretation and manifestation of it makes it ugly. The filth you contribute to it, makes it ugly. Your choice of ignoring your conscience- that too yearns for the same love and empathy it denies to foster- makes it ugly.

So where did it all go wrong? How do we break this circle?

The circle breaks the day you give that sapling a chance to grow into a strong, mighty tree. They day you stop being unkind, and realise the value (and lack) of empathy and love in this world. The day you stop answering hatred with hatred and replace it with forgiveness- not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. The day you pick your imagination up, shake the dust off and begin dreaming again, the day you make friends like you did when you were a kid- with eagerness, curiosity and love. It will end the day we stop being at war with each other and realise we’re in this together.

The day, no matter how hard it gets, you stick to your morals and your choice to be a kind, nurturing and loving human being. Please be good. The world needs it now more than ever.

“Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.”

 

 

Love always,

Your blogger.

PRIORITIES

I stared at my salary today. Yes, I stared at it for at least 10 minutes. And in those 10 minutes I drifted back to the year 2001 and found this little girl with a pony-tale, balancing on her toes; desperately trying to catch a glance of the succulent candies wrapped in shiny, comely packets.  She can see boxes, cylindrical boxes full of glimmering wrappers of chocolates and her eyes twinkle at the view. She looks at her mom pleadingly and her mom hands her as many candies as her little palms could hold.

She made her day.

That little girl was I.

Today I could buy as many boxes of candies as I can, but I don’t want to. When I was a little girl, I promised myself that when I grow up and have my own money I’m going to buy all these friggin chocolates and candies.

This thought struck me as lightening. It’s amazing isn’t it? How priorities change over time. How 10 years back a little square of chocolate could have made my day, and a new set of crayons made me gleam with pride, but today I have so many things I wish for and even though I can go and purchase everything I ever wanted when I was a little girl- I WON’T.

I’m still staring at those bills.

It’s a little hard to register how we no longer whine for an ice-cream every time we pass by an ice-cream truck or pass by a balloon man and yearn for one. We no more get delighted when our paper plane makes it successfully across the room .. hell we don’t even make a paper plane now. We no more get giddy when we graciously receive the return gift in a birthday party- or wait, when was the last time we had a birthday that was not celebrated in a restaurant or a club?

PRIORITIES are crazy. How everything changed from toy-phones to I-Phones and from bicycles to bikes- I’ll never understand. How now when we say APPLE we think of the brand rather than the fruit and how that little apple with a bite scrunched away has become a symbol for status in society.

A thought:

Why is it that when I was 4 years old, everything I ever wanted was candies and Santa and stickers and every single rupee I ever got was spent in requesting my mom to buy me the aforementioned delights. And when I had those, I never wanted anything more. But today, my desire for things is endless.

When earlier I used to jump with joy over a 1 rupee coin I accidentally found rummaging through my backpack; I no longer get joyous when I receive an income or pocket-money. Somehow it isn’t enough.

Why don’t I desire for candies now when I can buy as many as I want? Why the idea of what more can be bought appeals to me more? MORE- Why do I want more?

I wonder that in the coming years when I’m all grown up with a proper job and a considerable income, would I ever look back to this day when I was staring at my bills wondering why I don’t desire for candies any more?

Would my so called income seem very meager at that point? Would I have fulfilled everything I ever wanted when I was 18? Or did mankind create more ‘desires’ and gadgets and standards to adhere to?

The more we have; the more we want.

To all those who’re stable, are earning, and happy with their lives,

DO YOU STILL DESIRE FOR CANDIES?

Adulthood: Please Stay Far Away

Okay, I turned 18 like 6 months back, but today as I was going through one of my sudden bursts of cogitation, I realized that I hadn’t written anything about how freaked out I was when the clock struck 12:00 on the night of 10th of April. Even when I was 12 or 13, 14, 15 I freaked out every single year thinking I’m one step closer to ‘being responsible.’ I understand that no one likes to age, but my fear doesn’t lie in the fact that I’ll have wrinkles on my skin but that I’m not ready for THIS.

I DON’T WANT TO GROW UP. PERIOD. I get so terrified even on the slightest thought of taking care of a family. I can’t even take care of myself let alone a family. Ugh!
God. I want to be a kid. Forever. I want to be reckless. I want to go to school, come back, go to play, finish my homework and go to sleep. It’s funny how when I was young I couldn’t wait to grow up. It’s even funnier how now I would give anything to be 10 again.

 I KNOW, RIGHT?

I remember the night of my 18th birthday; my elder brother succeeded in making things worse and heightening my paranoia, “You’re 18 now, you’re an adult-YOU’RE NO MORE A KID. Muaahahahahahah”

Whenever I catch myself thinking about what I’d do and where I will be in 5-10 years, I take that picture off my head and throw it as far away as possible, but it still remains in the far corner of my mind like a ghost hovering above me, ready to swallow me down. I don’t mean to be rude. But unfortunately, I’m not counted in the “OMG, I can’t want to get married” kind of girls. Of course everyone has their own sweet choices. But as for me, nothing scares me more than my future (and a cockroach).

I think a lot. I think so much and then get so worried. It’s like this hysteria of freaking out. Whether or not I’ll get a good job, or if I’ll be able to achieve all that I aspire. I’m scared if I wont be the same person I am today. Maybe age will change me. Make me an ADULT. I won’t be able to scream out of happiness. Or maybe laugh my heart out for silly things-like the present day. What if I don’t get excited when I get a new toothbrush. (Yes, I love my toothbrush-deal with it).

I know it’s not that bad. Growing up has it’s own perks. But I don’t want to travel alone, or eat alone or go home from work .. Alone. What if I don’t get the same kind of amazing friends I have now. We’re in college and we’ve already traded our separate ways. Not that we haven’t been in touch. But ambitions have taken over the better part of us.

I want time to slow down. It’s October and in 2 months we’ll have a new year, 2015. I mean ’14 JUST started right? Does it happen with everyone? I wonder if time pranks us and moves at a faster pace after a certain age. I want someone to not tell me but assure me that it will be all right. I’ll make it through. Everybody does. *Sigh*

Anyway, I hope what I think of adulthood isn’t the reality. I can only hope.

Okay. It’s happening again. I’m freaking out.