Lately my heart oscillates too much,
between boundless joy and utter despair.
The joy dissipates as fast as it arrives
The despair however lingers longer.
The centre of my heart turns cold
The core of my body layered in sheets of ice
When I breathe
It takes collective effort of every muscle.
I also feel weak, emotionally.
I have always had a fire burning inside me,
It feeds my spirit.
In despair, the fire dies. Only wisps of spoke remain.
Until a tiny, insignificant moment ignites it again,
And my heart is warmer,
like it’s home.
I live for those moments of joy,
I wait patiently for them to show up,
I revel in their uncertainty, like a drug,
I wait for them to grant me a quick flash of intense euphoria,
until my heart starts beating again,
instead of thrumming.
Soon it is over.
A giant heaviness seems to have taken residence in my heart,
I have a feeling it won’t leave, but grow.
I will come to hope more,
And after having it tossed aside,
I will learn to live in the comforting possibility of what never was,
but could’ve been.
My inner Seol is my consolation. 🙂